


"Sincerely"

by Author_kunsmadness



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Atsumu is polite, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fine art student Atsumu, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Love Confession, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Osamu is sweet, Sad and Beautiful, Sakusa is a professor, Sakusa is older than Atsumu, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, no beta we die like men, routines, sweet words, tragic ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:40:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24910216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Author_kunsmadness/pseuds/Author_kunsmadness
Summary: Both Sakusa and Atsumu didn't know who came into whose life.Sakusa: "Believe me when I say this. You don't want to come into my life."Atsumu: "What if I say you are the one who came into my life."
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 44





	"Sincerely"

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you in advance if you have decided to read my work.  
> Please forgive this stupid author-kun for only having little knowledge of CML and if what I had described for the treatments are not accurate.  
> I decided not to include notes for the details of the disease and the treatments. I am sorry about that.  
> Author is not a native speaker so, I apologize for any inconveniences you may find in the text.  
> The writing style is simple, informal and repetitive.  
> Recommended music: Appassionata (Ost of Moon Lovers), Yosuga no Sora Ost "Kioku" and Piano version of 'My Love' by Sia.  
> Well, now, if you are ready for the angst...  
> Please proceed.  
> Feel free to curse me after you have finished reading...

Miya Atsumu 20 years old and Miya Osamu's twin, is a university student. The way he presents himself in public has always been bratty, arrogant and narcissistic until he meets a certain someone. With his smirk and fake smiles he wears, no one is going to believe if he says he majors in fine arts but he does. No one is going to see how much he has changed within two months for the sake of who knows what but he has changed. No one is going to think of him as bratty if they meet him for the first time after these two months but he is still bratty ... Sometimes in life, miracles happen.

Two months ago.  
Atsumu... he was about to face the greatest miracle of his life. It was a fine morning with everything calm and cold. But Atsumu was not feeling well when he woke up because of a certain dream he had. For him, dreams in the morning always had impact on his days in real life. It was a new day, his first day of starting university life but he didn't look energetic or excited. Instead, he looked as if he could collapse at any moment. When he arrived the university, the first thing he did was walk into an unfamiliar canteen filled with noises of people chatting, laughing, discussing things and the sound of foot steps. For some time, he looked around with an unamused face until a certain figure caught his attention. It was a man with pitch black curly hair and two moles on his forehead. He looked so pale that it seemed like the dark hair man didn't have blood. Atsumu didn't know what part about that man intrigued him but he continued to observe him as he sat at a nearby table and opened his laptop. He thought that it was strange how the man was wearing a mask with a tray of food in front of him. A while later, the man left without touching a single thing on the tray but sanitizing his hands later. 'No matter how you look at it, it's mysterious' Atsumu thought. Still, that didn't help his lack of interest for the day. The next day, he felt a bit better but looked listless as the day before. He had two lecture classes to attend that day and he was done with one. The other was in the afternoon so, he went to the library to study. Honestly, he wasn't the kind of person who would study in his free time but there was something urging him to go to the library. He chose the least crowded spot, to read, which happened to be near a large window. He didn't like the place because it was too bright but the last thing he wanted was having someone near him. He didn't know why but he didn't want to communicate. He knew it was not like him to be this quiet. Somehow, he liked the quietness and tranquillity that he rarely got when he was in high school. While he was reading, he felt someone approaching from the distance so, he looked only to be noticed by the mysterious person he saw at the canteen. This time, he wasn't wearing a mask but a pair of glasses with the colour of silver glowing on the rims. Atsumu's heart skipped a beat at a mere second of their eye contact. 'What a beautiful sight' he murmured. The black hair man seemed to be searching for something between those rows of tall bookshelves. Looking at him closely, Atsumu noticed that the man looked older than him. Maybe about 8 or 9 years which made him 30 or so. A few minutes had passed and the man had found what he had been searching for. He made his way to the table Atsumu was sitting. Although Atsumu didn't want any company, he didn't mind it when the man took a seat at the corner of the table after spraying disinfectant on the table and the chair for who knew how long. Atsumu was so focused on the person's actions in front of him that he didn't realize that he had been staring at the stranger. He noticed that the man didn't look well. He had dark circles under his eyes and some rashes on his left hand. Atsumu was curious but he tried to brush it off. After a while, he switched his focus back to the book in front of him. The man didn't make a single sound and there was a calm aura about him. Two full hours had passed when the dark hair man sat up to leave. Atsumu glanced at him as the man walked down the stairs. After 15 or so minutes, Atsumu also prepared to leave since he still had one more lecture class to attend. His second day at the university but he hadn't made any friends yet. He thought it was strange but he didn't seem to mind it. He walked into the lecture hall and was surprised when he saw a certain someone busy with their laptop on the stage. 'So, he is a professor' was what Atsumu thought. That day Atsumu learned that the mysterious man he had been seeing these days was a professor from the department of art history and that his name was Sakusa Kiyoomi.

Atsumu lived alone at an apartment near his university and he had a part time job at a nearby supermarket. From Sunday to Friday, between 7:00 to 10:00 PM, he would work there. Days as a university student weren't as tiring as he thought they would be but something had been bugging him lately. It all started on his third day at the university. 'Everything was fine until 8:59 PM' he recalled. He remembered he was cleaning the fridges and refilling goods which were sold out. It was then that he saw him again. 'This must be fate'. That was what he thought back then. He was amused by his own thoughts but he kept organizing and cleaning the fridges until he noticed that the man was looking at him with uninterested eyes from a far. So, he turned towards him and asked "Do you need any help, sir?" The very first words and the very first sentence that came out of his mouth. The very first time he ever spoke to him. The professor's gaze shifted from the worker in front of him to the fridges. "Not my place to say but it's better if you divide and arrange the goods according to their colours. It's more pleasing to the eyes." Atsumu didn't know what expression the man was wearing underneath his mask but he knew that the man was simply suggesting his thoughts politely. Miya Atsumu, soon to be a professional artist, loved the idea. "We will consider it sir." he replied as professional as he could ever be. After that, the professor left with some cleaning products, gloves and masks filled in a plastic bag. That mere strange encounter had given a new life to Atsumu's heart. 'So, he lives around here.' Since that day, he had been very enthusiastic and active about going to the university and working at the supermarket. Truth to be told... he was no longer listless. Something had given life to his days.

Two weeks had already passed and the third week arrived. 'A lonely morning' Atsumu described. The canteen had became a familiar place Atsumu would go every morning and the library had became his favourite spot. He went to the canteen at 9:15 every morning just hoping to see his mysterious teacher but he wouldn't see him most of the days. Fortunately, there was still hope for he knew that the person he strongly wished to see would always be at the library from 1:00 to 3:00 PM. Atsumu thought the professor's schedule was strange for some reasons but he was just glad to see him everyday. And he hadn't missed a single lecture of Sakusa and was kind of proud about it. However, he just liked seeing him. He never wanted anything more than that when they were a teacher and a student. Still, he had hopes when they met at the supermarket from time to time. There were little conversations between them and those were the moments he fell in love the most. He had arranged the goods not only in the fridges but also on every shelf in a unique way his dear professor would prefer to see. To do that, he went out of his way to bug his manager for a whole week until he agreed. And he didn't regret it cause his effort had brought Sakusa closer to him. “I am glad that you regard my words seriously” was what Sakusa said when he saw a sudden change in the shop. Atsumu didn’t understand what those words truly meant ...but he saw a faint smile lingering in Sakusa's eyes that day. 'It was priceless' Atsumu remarked. From that day, Sakusa would drop by the shop more often than before. Atsumu couldn't be happier. He felt as if they had became closer.

It was Friday, 2:30 in the afternoon. Atsumu was at the library sitting beside the large window as usual. However, what was unusual was that Sakusa was not there. He was supposed to be there but there was no trace of him as he waited. Atsumu appeared to be reading but he wasn't. His mind was else where although he was looking at the book in front of him. 'Why didn't he come?'. When they were at the library, they never spoke. They just sat there and read like the world had stopped revolving around them. It was as if they both understood each other without needing to utter a word. After waiting for two whole hours, Atsumu headed back to his little apartment. He couldn't shake off a mixed feeling of uncertainty, worry, and emptiness in his mind. He felt uneasiness raising within him and he didn't like the feeling. He knew that something was wrong. Because within these three weeks, he had learnt that Sakusa had a very specific routine to his days, that he liked cleanliness, that he was very organized and did things in a certain order, that he didn't like noises and physical contact, and that he was serious about everything he did. 'Today was out of his routine' Atsumu murmured. He didn't meet him at the supermarket either. Atsumu fidgeted as he wished for Monday to come quickly. Since he couldn't calm down, he decided to paint something because painting always helped him calm down and relax. Atsumu loved painting and he loved what he had painted within these three days of his wait. “The longest three days of my life” Atsumu said with a genuine smile. Monday had came... He went to the canteen as usual but still no trace of his professor. He was worried. He wished and wished for him to show up at the library. His wish was granted. His face lighted up immediately when he saw him sitting at the corner of their little table. 'I am glad to see you today' he said in his mind. Then he approached to the table. This time, Atsumu wanted to break the silence but later, he chose to not do that. The atmosphere around them was calm, clean and quiet. It was pleasant. It always had been.

Although Atsumu liked the professor, he hadn't stumbled completely yet ... yet. It was on Wednesday that he stumbled completely, totally and absolutely. Sakusa was in front of him waiting for Atsumu to finish packing what he had just bought. Atsumu took the cash from him, returned the change and said 'Thank you'. It was around 9:30 PM and they were the only people at the counter. Sakusa had already walked off two steps forward when suddenly Atsumu called out to him "Sakusa-san". The first time addressing him with his name instead of 'sir'. Sakusa knew that what was about to come was not meant to be between a cashier and a customer nor was it supposed to be between a professor and a student. 'Please don't come into my life' Sakusa chanted in his heart. Nevertheless, he turned back at the boy looking at him with a pure smile. “Can I have your number?” the blond boy asked politely despite his arrogant nature. Sakusa's heart sank at that because it was not something he wanted to hear. He couldn't do anything about it but deny. He sighed "Believe me when I say this. You don't want to come into my life." But what the boy responded was totally unexpected. He said "What if I say you are the one who came into my life." Sakusa shuddered at that answer but he still refused to give his number "It's not a good thing for a teacher and a student to have contact outside of the university. People may misunderstand." Atsumu understood what he meant and he knew that the professor didn't want to give his number but it was Atsumu's nature to bug people until he got what he wanted and be persistent. "But isn't it normal for students to have their teachers’ numbers? I can promise you that I won't annoy you with small chats. I will only contact you when it is important." Sakusa could no longer deny it when he stated that so, he put his business card on the counter. Sakusa didn't like physical contact after all... Atsumu's face was filled with joy when he received the card but Sakusa's face was quite the opposite and Atsumu would never know what it looked like under his surgical white mask.

Fourth week and Atsumu followed his usual routine. Although he got Sakusa's number, he didn't call him or texted him because he knew that the other person hated those kinds of casual chats or calls. He had kept his promise and respected the other's privacy until one day...  
It was Sunday, 9:22 in the morning when Sakusa received a text from an unknown number.  
'Good morning, Sakusa-san. If you don't mind can I ask you a favour?'  
Straight to the point and Sakusa immediately knew who that unknown number was. He was slightly annoyed by what was about to come but he remembered what the boy said before he gave him his number so he replied  
'How can I help?'  
'I know this is not related to the uni or anything but could you please help me review a short story I've written?'  
Sakusa was not expecting this and he was surprised at the fact that Atsumu wrote which was strange because if he remembered correctly, Atsumu majored in fine arts and not in literature. On contrary, it was not surprising that he asked for Sakusa’s help for Atsumu knew that Sakusa had good taste in books.  
'I can do that. Where do you want to meet at?'  
'Is my apartment okay? I just cleaned it properly.'  
'Send me the address. We will meet around 2:00 PM.'  
Atsumu sent his address and he plopped onto his bed. He was tired after a long day of cleaning. At the same time, he was happy and looking forward to meeting his dear professor. He took a short nap and took a shower before the appointed time. At the last minute, he wiped the table they would be using again and waited for the bell to ring. Then, the bell of his front door rang. 'Finally' he shouted before rushing to open the door. And there was him. He had already took off his mask as he stood there and Atsumu was pleased to see his bare face. 'Please come inside' he invited and the latter nodded. Atsumu lead him to the table he had cleaned spotlessly and told him to make himself comfortable. "Do you want tea or juice?" Atsumu asked. "Tea please" Sakusa replied. Atsumu went into his kitchen and came back with a clean and beautiful tea set. He gently put it on the table before he handed the other person some sheets of paper. Straight to the subject at hand. That was how it had always been between them. No unnecessary words and Sakusa liked that. The atmosphere was quiet as usual between them. Sakusa read and Atsumu waited with anticipation. He might not look like it but Atsumu loved writing as much as he loved painting. He enjoy doing both of them and liked being in the fantasy world while doing so. This time he had written a tragic romance story and he was satisfied with what he had created. Unlike painting, writing was not his professional career path so he just did that for fun but he was good at it. Time was passing as he watched the older man in front of him with silver glasses reading his story. His profile was serene, elegant and what was more... Atsumu loved the scene. After a couple of minutes, Sakusa had finished reading Atsumu's story. Truth to be told, he was impressed by how the story had moved him. ‘What a sad story...’ Sakusa thought. He had to admit that Atsumu had talent. “It's a good story.” That was all he said but Atsumu was more than happy to hear Sakusa said that because he knew it meant more. “Thank you for reading it. I hope you like it.” He replied. “You are quite heartless to kill his lover here". Atsumu smiled “Aren't you glad that it's a fiction. No one would want that in their life. These kind of things should only exist in fiction.” Sakusa agreed with a faint smile. Then he asked “Where did you learn to write like this?”. “There is no specific answer for that question. I read others work and learn from them myself.” Atsumu answered. “So why did you choose fine arts? I know you are also good at that but between these two, why did you choose it?” Sakusa looked serious when he asked that so Atsumu could only answer with the equal seriousness. “I do not know. I mean I like them equally but I cannot choose both of them so, I asked my brother. And he told me to choose one of the two papers back then. He had written ‘painting’ on one of them and ‘writing’ on the other. The papers were folded so, I didn't know which one was which and I ended up picking the paper with ‘painting’ on it. I know it's absurd but I would feel the same even if I happened to pick up the other paper.” After saying all of that, the other person just stared at him blankly. The look on his face was hard to read. Atsumu fidgeted as he wondered if anything was wrong with what he just said. Nothing was wrong with what he just said. It was just that they didn't make sense. Good thing Atsumu was not left in that awkward moment for too long because Sakusa decided to break the silence. He repeated some lines from the story, “There may not be true love and love may not last long. But ‘the love I had given you was sincere’. These lines... I am fond of them. Are they highlight of the story?” Atsumu was speechless when Sakusa said that because he never expected such words to come out of Sakusa's mouth but he replied quickly “Yes, they are. Thank you. I am glad that you like them". Then, he looked at the other male who was watching at him fondly. His heart skipped a beat . ‘When you look at me like that, how am I supposed to control myself from falling for you' Atsumu cited in his heart. Neither of them spoke after that. They were enjoying their tea slowly. Atsumu glanced at Sakusa's hand on which the rashes were still there and felt the urge to ask. He pondered whether he should ask or not for a while but he gave up on the thought. He also noticed that the dark circles were no longer there. So, he thought Sakusa was fine. After finishing his tea, Sakusa told Atsumu that he was leaving. Everything went blurry when he stood up and he fell. Fortunately, Atsumu was nearby to catch him and he fell into his arms. The only thing he remembered was Atsumu's voice calling his name worriedly. He passed out. Sakusa was taller than Atsumu only about one inch but it was not wrong to say his weight was lighter than Atsumu. Atsumu panicked and was worried sick. At the same time, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know if the situation was bad enough to call an ambulance or not. He carried Sakusa into his bedroom and laid him onto his bed. He thought it would be fine since he had cleaned his whole house that day. He even changed his bedsheets and washed the old ones although it was a little weird. Atsumu paced forward and backward in his living room for who knew how long. But God was not cruel enough to make Atsumu worry more than he already was because Sakusa had woken up and Atsumu heard a light cough. “Thank God!” he sighed as he ran into his room to Sakusa's side. To his surprise, Sakusa was not in the bed but in front of the painting he did weeks ago. Miya Atsumu was careless enough that he forgot about the holy painting. ‘OH GOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT. WHAT DO I DO? HOW CAN I BE THIS RECKLESS!!!’ he screamed internally. Things got awkward.... What was strange was that Sakusa didn't say a word which made Atsumu itched more. “The painting, was it you who painted this?” Sakusa asked with his usual tone. There was no emotion behind it. Sakusa knew, of course, but he needed confirmation so, he asked. He knew the only person who always saw him like that was Miya Atsumu. It was his portrait. A portrait of him reading by a window and basked in the warm sunlight. It was a beautiful painting and Sakusa acknowledged that. Somehow it made him sad and there was a melancholic feeling about that painting. A while later Atsumu answered “It was me...”. His voice was quiet and Sakusa barely heard it. Still, he heard it clearly so, it was fine. “I am sorry.” Atsumu apologized only to be stopped by the professor “Don't. You don't need to because I do not mind”. This unexpected response had rendered Atsumu confused. But he changed the topic quickly “Are you okay? Are you not feeling well today?”. Sakusa looked at him “I am fine. I just felt a little dizzy back then. Don't worry too much.”. Atsumu didn't believe him but he didn't want to force him so, he let it off easily. “It’s fine if you don't want to tell me but let me at least walk you home” the blond boy said. “No, I can go back by myself.” Sakusa refused. Atsumu was irritated “Oh please, let me do this for you. How am I supposed to stay calm by letting you go by yourself when you have just passed out in front of me.” At last, Sakusa agreed mostly because he couldn't bear Atsumu’s nagging. None of them uttered a single sound as they walked. The silence was not awkward though. From time to time, Sakusa noticed Atsumu trying to say something and trying to hold himself back. Sakusa could no longer bear with that behaviour of his so he asked “What is it that you want to say?”. Atsumu was at a loss of words. “ About that painting, don't you think of it as weird?”. “Yes, it was not only weird but also creepy.”. It was so blunt that Atsumu was shocked to hear that. “Oh..” he uttered disappointedly. ‘Everyone would creep out if they saw their portrait in someone else's room.’ Atsumu pondered. Actually Sakusa had been very polite by not saying anything that might make Atsumu uncomfortable. Finally, they arrived their destination. Sakusa's house was big and spacious. It was extremely clean that Atsumu felt guilty to step onto the floor. Sakusa invited Atsumu into his house to offer him some drinks. It was already 6:30 PM and Sakusa knew that Atsumu had his part time job so, he didn't keep him too long. Before he left, Atsumu said “You should go see a doctor.”. Sakusa nodded and Atsumu turned around and left. Atsumu was still not totally calm yet. He was still worried about the professor. Normally, he would be embarrassed about the portrait or nervous to be invited into Sakusa's house but none of these could surpass his worry. He went straight to the supermarket since it was almost time for the next shift. And so many thoughts on his mind.

Fifth week and Atsumu was rushing to the library because he lost track of time while he was doing a group assignment with his classmates. He always kept his schedule open from 1:00 to 3:00 PM but this was a different case and Atsumu didn't want to think about that anymore. ‘Sometimes you have to consider about other people as well' he gritted his teeth. It was already 2:21 PM when he entered the library and he could see a familiar figure reading. Somehow that sight made him relieve. He walked towards the table and sat down. He opened the book that he had been reading lately and started reading. As always, there were no words passed between them but silence. Atsumu knew that his next class was Sakusa's lecture but when Sakusa left the library, he didn't leave with him. That was also as usual... At the university, they never spoke or even greeted each other but they knew they were playing strangers. That day, while he was working at the supermarket, he thought about something ‘Did he feel the same way as I did when I was late to come to the library?’. Sadly, the answer was not to be known for Atsumu. And then, there, he saw a familiar figure walking towards him. Atsumu asked politely “How may I help you sir?”. Sakusa didn't look well “Can you please help me find needles?”. ‘Strange, what is he going to do with needles?’ Atsumu wondered. “This way sir.” He said and lead the way. Sakusa picked up two little boxes of needles with gloves on his hands “Thanks". Then, he walked towards the counter. Atsumu stared at his back for a few seconds before he went back to work. A few minutes later, Atsumu could no longer tolerate it. After all, no matter how you looked at it, buying two boxes of needles was strange. He requested his manager to let him leave early and followed Sakusa after changing into his casual clothes. Lucky for Atsumu because Sakusa hadn't left yet. He was standing near the entrance of the supermarket and watching into the distance. He appeared to be lost in thoughts. “Sakusa-san”. He heard a familiar voice from behind and he looked back at the blond boy who was no longer in his work uniform. “Are you okay?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa didn't like people unnecessarily worrying about him and he was kind of annoyed by the boy's concern. But that was nothing out of ordinary since he had passed out in front of him. So, he answered “I am okay”. The conversation didn't stop there because Atsumu still had another question “The needles... what are you doing with them?”. ‘Stupid' Sakusa thought. “Needles are used to sew. What else do you think I would do with them?” Sakusa retorted. Atsumu was embarrassed for asking that question and he scratched his neck lightly. Atsumu didn't want to pry but he was curious about what Sakusa would be sewing so he asked but in a roundabout way “Do you have threads?”. It was another stupid question. Sakusa looked as if he just remembered something important. Yes, indeed. He literally forgot about the threads. “So you don't have them...” Atsumu answered his own question. This time, it was Sakusa who was stupid. He was not to be blamed though. He had never sown anything before. But Sakusa was more embarrassed that he thought of someone as stupid when he was a big one. Atsumu continued “What colour do you need?”. This time Sakusa answered “Grey with blue tone”. “We only have grey and light blue here but I have one at my apartment if you are okay with following me there”. Sakusa knew Atsumu’s place was only 15 minutes walk long from where they were standing but he didn't want the boy getting closer to him than he already was. He wanted to deny his offer but what he said next betrayed him. “Okay”. Sakusa was sitting at the table while Atsumu was in his room searching for his mother's old sewing box. He came back after he had found the right colour and sat down facing Sakusa. It was an old handkerchief that Sakusa wanted to sew. The handkerchief was not in a bad shape but the threads on its rim were loose. Atsumu knew that Sakusa didn't know how to sew but fortunately, he knew how to, “Let me do it”. Sakusa didn't deny the help and handed him the handkerchief. Atsumu started to work carefully and diligently trying not to make any mistakes. ‘This handkerchief must be important to him’ Atsumu thought. “Was this a gift?”. Sakusa was watching him work closely but when he asked, he looked up “Yes, a gift from when I was in high school”. No wonder it was already worn out. “It must be someone important” Atsumu’s expression was mild. There was no trace of envy or jealousy on it although they were supposed to be there. Atsumu was smiling genuinely and peacefully and what was more... Sakusa admired that. “It was from my cousin”. Atsumu didn't know if he was glad to hear that but he was. Sakusa wasn't paying much attention the first time he visited Atsumu’s apartment. This time he had nothing particular to do and as he looked around, he noticed some awards in a small showcase near the TV. “You played volleyball too...” Sakusa uttered. Atsumu looked up and met with Sakusa's gaze. “Yes, I was a setter. What position did you play?” Atsumu shifted his gaze back at the handkerchief he was sewing as he asked. “I was a wing spiker”. The small conversation ended there. Neither of them asked whether they like the sport or why they played. After all, they were all in the past and they didn't feel the need to ask. They were just content to learn that they both shared the same interest in volleyball and that volleyball existed in their life. The sound of the clock ticking was loud when silence embraced them again. “Finished" he said as Atsumu was done with sewing. The stitches were firm and neat. Obviously, Sakusa wasn't expecting this outcome and he was amazed by Atsumu's skills. “Thank you”. In the end, the needles Sakusa had bought were never used. From that day onwards, Atsumu realized that Sakusa didn't wear his surgical mask whenever they were alone together.

A whole month flew by and as the time passed, Atsumu fell in love deeper and deeper. It was the sixth week on Tuesday when he remembered he had a twin brother. He didn't forget him of course. It was just that he was so focused on Sakusa that his brain cancelled his twin’s existence. He was lying on his bed after he had taken a bath. He looked at his phone. It was already 11:00 PM. He kind of felt guilty for not contacting his brother for a month but his brother didn't contact him either so, he thought it was fair. They both understood that both of them were busy with their own life so those kind of things didn't really matter.  
‘Samu, you up?’  
The reply came after a few minutes.  
‘You want me arrange your funeral or something?’  
‘Is this how you treat your own brother you have not seen in a month?’  
‘You caught up in trouble or something?’  
‘Why is everything you say negative? It's none of them.’  
‘Then, why are you texting me?’  
‘Am I not allowed to text my own brother?’  
‘No, if you don't have anything particular to say.’  
‘Come on... I have something to say.’  
‘Don't tell me you fall in love.’  
‘How do you know?’  
‘So, you do... Who is it?’  
‘Now, you are interested.’  
‘I am going back to sleep.’  
‘No, don't go yet. It's my professor.’  
‘What kind of idiot fall in love with their professor? You must be stupid.’  
‘I am your brother after all.’  
‘Shut up. Everyone knows you're the only stupid one.’  
‘I thought you are more stupid.’  
‘So, are you going to tell him?'  
‘I still need to consider that. He is a professor and I need to be careful about his image.’  
‘How rare for an idiot like you to be this considerate.’  
‘Oh you little shit!’  
‘Good night you big shit. I still have work tomorrow.’  
‘Good night.’  
Atsumu turned off his phone and he fell asleep.

Thursday, 4:24 PM, Sakusa had just finished his last lecture for the day when his phone rang. It was Atsumu. His first time calling the professor.  
“Hello, is there anything you need my help for?”  
“I am just wondering if you are free around 5:00 today"  
Sakusa could hear the other's nervousness through his voice and he didn't want to answer because he was free that evening.

“Yes, why do you ask?”  
“There is a place I want to take you to.” Atsumu's tone was as polite as ever.  
Atsumu knew that they were still not close enough but he felt that it was okay to ask this time so, he mustered up all his courage and called Sakusa. On the other side of the phone, Sakusa was contemplating and still had no clue why Atsumu invited him. Although Sakusa had put an appropriate distance between him and Atsumu, he still had no heart when it came to refusing the blonde.  
‘Sure, let's meet at my house’  
Sakusa would never know how Atsumu grinned like a fool when he said that. Atsumu arrived Sakusa's house around 4:54 PM. Sakusa came out when he heard the bell rang. Both of them were ready to go and they started to set off. It was a 30 minutes walk to a little hill. Sakusa had no idea where Atsumu was taking him but he followed without uttering a single question. Finally, they both stopped. It was a field of flowers. “We can see the most beautiful sunset from here.”Atsumu boosted. ‘Exaggerating’ Sakusa remarked. The weather was slightly cold and they could feel the chilliness in the breeze. Sakusa loved it. Some of the flowers were pure white and some of them were purple. Sakusa loved the sight. What was more... Sakusa loved that Atsumu was standing beside him. “So, why did you bring me here?” Sakusa shifted his eyes from the flowers to Atsumu who was looking at him for God knew how long. Atsumu was flustered by the question. Sakusa could see he was having a hard time choosing correct words but Sakusa had no intention of helping him so, he waited. “Sakusa-san, I have something to tell you...”. Of course Sakusa had his instincts telling him what he would say next was not going to be anything he could ignore like ‘the portrait’. Sakusa didn't say anything and he didn't want to. He didn't want to be the one asking it. He didn't want to be the one inviting it. After a long pause, Sakusa looked at Atsumu whose profile was being kissed by the last warmth of the setting sun. Atsumu looked beautiful and Sakusa knew that from the very first day they met. Sakusa had already guessed what Atsumu would say next but when he heard those three words with his own ears, he felt the wall he had built around his heart collapsed. 'Just three words. Yes... just three words’, Sakusa repeated in his mind. “I love you”, Atsumu said with the calmest voice Sakusa had ever heard from him, with the tone sincere than every other time and with no doubt or hesitation. For Sakusa, those were the last words he wanted to hear especially from Atsumu. “Miya..." the first time he ever called Atsumu by his name. There was no anger nor disappointment in his usual calm voice but warmth and gentleness. Atsumu felt a shiver ran down his spine when he heard his name. The voice was too warm that Atsumu was scared. Atsumu wasn't expecting for his feelings to be reciprocated. He never was. He didn't want to hear the answer either. The only thing he wanted was the other person to acknowledge his feelings. Truth to be told, he was certain that he would be rejected so, he was prepared for that. But things weren't like how he imagined. They were completely different. Anyway, Atsumu was not that weak to fall a part at the spot. He waited for Sakusa's answer patiently. On the other hand, Sakusa regretted ‘there is no way to go back now, is there?'. After choosing the correct words internally, Sakusa answered but with his usual calm tone “You know that this is not going to work. Where do you want to keep going when you know that you are at the end of the road... I am sorry. Dating has never been my thing and I do not feel the same way.” The last words, they were a lie. ‘I am sorry... I have allowed you to come into my life'. Sakusa returned his gaze back to the dancing flowers. Suddenly, Atsumu cracked a laughter “What is this? A shojo manga? I feel like I am having a crush on a fictional character or something...” he laughed. Sakusa was astonished by Atsumu's behaviour. “But I am not a fictional character”. Atsumu regained his calm “Yes, I know and I am more than glad to be ended up in the same world as you” Atsumu grinned. Sakusa also smiled and Atsumu loved his smile. “Let's go back. It's getting late.” Sakusa said. “Just a few more minutes. I want to spend more time with you.” Sakusa's eyes looked sad when Atsumu said that. After that, they enjoyed the beauty of that flower field quietly. ‘Atsumu wasn't exaggerating' Sakusa agreed in his mind. Before they went back, Atsumu said one last thing “Just one thing. Please don't ever tell me to give up on you”. Sakusa didn't respond to that because that was what he truly wanted to say.

The same day, Atsumu plopped onto his bed with his phone in his hand. He texted to his brother.  
‘Hey, Samu'  
‘What is it now?’  
‘I got rejected, today.’  
‘Tell me something I can't guess'  
‘Why do you have to be such a jerk? Can't you be a nice brother and comfort me once in a while?’  
‘I thought you were still ‘considering’. What happened to that?’  
‘I don't know. I thought it would be okay so, I told him'  
‘What did he tell you?’  
‘Well, he told me to stop walking on the road that has already ended.’  
‘That is expected. Anyway, cheer up. It's not like the world is going to end’  
‘At least my world has ended, you stupid shit'  
Atsumu no longer responded to his brother after that. He couldn't sleep that day so, he just closed his eyes. But that didn't help him because he kept seeing Sakusa's face whenever he did that. It was a long night.  
  
Sakusa Kiyoomi 29 years old, is a professor and he has mysophobia. His life has been quiet and peaceful until he meets a certain someone and he is pretty sure that he loves that person. He was young when he got his PhD. He was young when he became a professor. And he is still young. But he hates the word ‘young’ because he knows he is going to die young. ‘It's true that people come and go in your life but you would never know cause you might be the one leaving from someone's life'. Those are the words that he has been chanting in his heart for a year.  
  
Second week of the second month, it was Friday at 2:36 PM that Sakusa was at the hospital’s entrance. Sakusa’s expression was the same as always. There was no emotion. No frustration, no anger nor there was sadness. This was what he had been facing a whole year after all. He was diagnosed with Chronic myelogenous leukemia (CML), a kind of blood cancer, in accelerated phase a year ago and the treatment had been going well until last month. He noticed that the symptoms reappeared so, there he was, already prepared for what was about to come. His doctor told him that his body no longer responded to the treatment. In other words, the drugs he had been taking stopped working. So, the doctor switched the drugs with new ones and presented Sakusa with other options such as stem cell transplant and chemotherapy. Sakusa knew that the TKI therapy he had been receiving had limits and could only control the advance of the disease. He knew too well that it can't be cured. He knew too well that the worst had yet to come sooner or later. But all he realized was that he was so tired of his sickness. He also knew that his life expectancy was 5 years. ‘One year had already passed’ he thought. His condition was getting worse and he had no idea when he would be in blastic phase (the last stage of CML). ‘How much time do I have? Will I be able to live full five years? At least five years seem quite decent compared to other diseases’ he smiled in his heart and he decided to stick with the TKI therapy. While he was at the hospital, Sakusa would have never imagined how Atsumu waited quietly at the library and, how Atsumu fretted when he didn't show up. It was 4:00 PM when Sakusa saw a figure standing at his front door. The person looked anxious as his face was filled with worry, concern and uneasiness. Those emotions were all shown clearly that Sakusa somewhat felt guilty. “Do you need anything?” Sakusa asked. His sudden appearance startled Atsumu and Atsumu's heart jumped at the voice but he had no answer for that question because he, himself, didn't know why he came to Sakusa's house in the first place. Obviously, it was because he was worried sick. But Atsumu had already said something and was still processing on what nonsense he just uttered “It's nothing. I am sorry if I disturbed you. I’ll be taking my leave now”. Atsumu had already turned back when suddenly “Wait" Sakusa said and Atsumu stopped. “You are already here. Come inside”. Atsumu was surprised by this sudden change of situation and he followed Sakusa into the house. Sakusa sanitized his hands, took off his coat, and put it on the sofa. He told Atsumu to wait in the living room while he was changing his clothes because he didn't like the smell of hospital on him. After he was done, he sanitized his hands again. “Have you eaten?” Sakusa asked. “Not yet.” Atsumu looked at Sakusa's direction as he answered. Sakusa’s living room and the kitchen were connected and Atsumu could see Sakusa planning to cook something. “What do you want to eat?” Sakusa looked back at Atsumu who was observing him with full interest. “Anything is fine” Atsumu walked towards the table where Sakusa was choosing the ingredients. “Miso soup, then" Sakusa decided. “Let me help" Atsumu washed his hands and Sakusa nodded. Then, both of them started working on their tasks. As they cooked, Atsumu noticed that the red patches on Sakusa's left hand were not there anymore. The whole process was noiseless and only the sound of water bubbling in the pot and the sound of knife cutting vegetables could be heard. When they were done, Atsumu prepared the table neatly while Sakusa continued to busy himself in the kitchen. It was a nice meal. Sakusa was a good cook and Atsumu was nothing less. A meal had never been that enjoyable for both of them in their life and they would never forget that moment they shared between only the two of them. Atsumu did the dishes after the dinner and Sakusa watched him quietly, leaning on the table near Atsumu. Atsumu could feel the hair on his back standing and his nerves crawling under his skin. But that was not because he didn't like Sakusa looking at him. Actually, it was quite the opposite. He liked it so much that he felt like his heart could jump out of his chest. Unlike before, the silence was killing Atsumu so, he tried to start a conversation “I have a question.” ‘Should I ask?’ Atsumu pondered but he asked anyway “Why did you say dating was not your thing?” Sakusa thought that the boy’s question was inappropriate. It was not like he minded though, “Well, there are three fundamental reasons why”. Honestly, there were four. “First, I don't like physical contact with people”. “I see that coming” Atsumu said with an amused voice. Sakusa continued with the tone he used to lecture and Atsumu found that it was funny “That leads to the second reason that I don't intend to fall in love and the third reason why is because no one deserves to end up with someone as ill fated as me.”. ‘And lastly, I do not have much time left...’ he continued in his heart soundlessly as he looked down to the floor with a melancholic expression but Atsumu didn't notice that because his mind was stuck with the third reason. He didn't quite get why Sakusa said that but he tried not to pry about it and let that go. “By the second reason, are you saying you would never give me a chance?” Atsumu questioned and his voice was strangely soft. “That's how it sounds” Sakusa stated matter of factly. Atsumu didn't give up “Hey, Sakusa-san, let's have a bet” he looked into Sakusa's eyes “I dare bet that you will fall in love with me someday”. Sakusa was the first one to look away and he didn't know whether he should laugh or cry because he had already lost the bet before it had even started. ‘How ironic. God must be laughing by now watching at me' he remarked smiling. Sakusa didn't reply but continued to watch Atsumu who was wiping the dishes with a towel efficiently. Everything was so simple. Everything was... It was just that Sakusa's heart betrayed him. That day, Sakusa Kiyoomi wrote a letter to Miya Atsumu.  
  
The third week of Atsumu's second month as a university student. It was Wednesday. It was the day on which Atsumu’s heart was ripped ruthlessly by a harsh new he had never expected to hear. He was in the class preparing for another lecture when he heard someone mentioned Sakusa's name. That caught Atsumu's attention but after hearing what they said, he felt his body went numb and cold sweat ran down on his back. His hands and feet started to get cold as fear surged up in his chest. And he could not bear to stay there even for a second. He rushed out of the classroom and walked around the university campus absent mindedly. He could feel a thick knot forming in his throat and he tried to swallow it. His hands were shaking as he walked and he didn't seem to know what he was even feeling. He didn't go back home. He didn't want to. He chose to sit down on a bench. There were not many people around him and the place was quite. Everything in his mind was disbelief and confusion. After 2 hours of thinking and contemplating, he seemed to have calm down a little. He had decided to call him. It was 11:07 AM when he took out his phone and pressed on a contact that he was still new to calling.  
“Hello?”  
“Sakusa-san, can I meet you now?”  
Sakusa had no idea why Atsumu called him at his work hour but he noticed that there was something wrong with the other's voice. Atsumu sounded sad and his voice was slightly cracking as if he was about to cry. Sakusa watched the clock on the wall of his office and when he was certain that there was nothing important for him to do at that moment, he answered  
‘Yes, where should I come?’  
‘The bench near the oak tree.’  
Sakusa knew where he was referring.  
‘I'll be there in a few minutes.’  
Atsumu called Sakusa but he had nothing to say. As his words, Sakusa arrived within 4 minutes. He looked at the bench and decided not to sit down but later, he sprayed it with disinfectant and sat down beside Atsumu. ‘Why didn't you tell me? Why?...’ Atsumu looked at him with weary eyes that Sakusa had never seen before. After a while, Sakusa asked “What happened?”. He didn't conceal the worry in his tone. “Just for a while... please stay by my side like this" Atsumu pleaded. He didn't like Atsumu looking like that and he wanted to do something about it. But in the end all he could do was sit there by his side like Atsumu had requested. Sadly, Sakusa didn't know that he was the subject of Atsumu's anguish. A couple of minutes had passed and Atsumu murmured “You should go back now. You still have got to lecture, right?”. He was right. Sakusa had to go. “What about you? Are you okay?” Sakusa asked gazing at Atsumu's side profile. Atsumu didn't look back at Sakusa “I am okay now. I think I will go back home” Atsumu smiled mildly. The first part, it was a lie. Sakusa shifted his gaze after a few seconds and then he stood up to leave. Atsumu did the same. As Sakusa had expected, Atsumu didn't show up at the library that day. It was somewhat unsettling for Sakusa and he didn't feel right about it. Atsumu took a day off from his part time job so, when Sakusa went there, he didn't see him. Honestly, he was a little disappointed by that. Meanwhile, Atsumu sat at his dining table, his eyes busy staring at the screen of his computer. ‘Only five years...’ he murmured. He proceeded as his usual routine in the following days and at the library, he maintained the usual silent atmosphere. There was nothing special between them and the week ended.  
  
The last week of the month and it was Thursday. Atsumu was at the supermarket, working as usual. His day was not bad and he was in a good mood. He was humming a random song while carrying noodle boxes to the storage room. He looked at his watch and it was almost 10:00 PM so, he waited for the next part timer to shift. When all of his duties at the supermarket were done for the day, he changed and prepared to go home. He looked fine on the outside but no one knew what his heart had been going through these days. That day was one of those unusual days in a week on which fate would let them meet each other unexpectedly... . Atsumu had just got out of the supermarket when he saw a person leaning on the wall near a vending machine. The person looked as if he was about to faint. Out of concern, Atsumu got closer to the person whose back was facing him, “Hey, are you okay?”. Atsumu thought the person looked familiar. Yes, he looked familiar because it was someone Atsumu knew too well of. It was Atsumu's dear professor. Sakusa was clenching his chest as he maintained his weak body not to collapse. As soon as Atsumu noticed that, his movements got stiff and started to panic. He didn't know if it was okay to touch Sakusa at the moment but later, he wrapped his arms around the other person's shoulders and let him lean against his body. His voice could never sound more worried, “Sakusa-san, what happened? Should I call an ambulance?” Sakusa caught his breath as he tried to speak “Don't. It will soon go away.” Atsumu supported him holding Sakusa's body, closely to his own, which was too light. Then, he lead him to a chair and let him sit. He bought a bottle of water from the vending machine, opened the cap and handed it to Sakusa. Sakusa slowly reached out his hand to grab it and took a sip, “Thank you". Atsumu also sat beside him “Do you need me to buy anything?”. Sakusa closed his eyes and rested his head on the wall behind the chair, “No, I will come again later”. Sakusa's place was a little further than Atsumu's place from the supermarket so, Atsumu suggested, “Spend the night at my place, today”. Sakusa wanted to deny but did he have any choice with the given situation. No, there wasn't. “Buy me a new toothbrush then" Sakusa agreed. Atsumu smiled at that and he fulfilled Sakusa's request. The walk took longer than it needed to be. Sakusa could only walk slowly and Atsumu was patient the whole way, trying to match with Sakusa's pace. When they reached the apartment, Atsumu let Sakusa had shower first. He had put some clothes for Sakusa to wear on the shelf in his bathroom before he changed his bedsheets and the blanket with new ones. He knew too well about what Sakusa liked and disliked like the back of his hands for his own sake after all. When Sakusa came out of the bathroom with new clothes on, Atsumu told him that he could sleep on the bed and that he had the sheets changed. After some minutes, it was time for Atsumu to take bath so, he went in. Sakusa noticed that his portrait was still in the same place as before and he chuckled lightly at the sight. After 20 minutes or so, Atsumu was done with taking bath and he was in a set of clean clothes. He took out an extra pillow from his closet and he was about to leave the room when Sakusa said, “You can sleep beside me. This is your bed, after all”. Sakusa's words made Atsumu to question whether he was in the reality or in a dream. Atsumu had never imagined, not even once, in his life that one day, he would hear Sakusa say the words he just heard. “No, it's fine. I will just sleep on the couch tonight” Atsumu replied calmly despite his nervousness spreading throughout his body. “You have already taken bath and I know you are clean. So, I do not mind”. Actually, it was not about cleanliness or uncleanliness that Atsumu was considering. Apart of him did though. What he was having trouble was the thought of sleeping beside his crush. Yes, it was what he was worrying about. There would be no way for him to fall asleep if that happened. But it happened and indeed, he couldn't sleep. Sakusa was lying soundlessly beside him but Atsumu knew that he was awake. Minutes passed and Atsumu still couldn't sleep. Both of them were facing the ceiling which had never been interesting in the slightest way. Atsumu's heart was not pounding as badly as before and he had regained his calm. “Sakusa-san, have you ever missed someone when they are still in front of you?” Atsumu gave life to the silence of the night around them. Sakusa took some time before he responded, “Yes, I have”. Those words were a lie because he never had. But he was at that moment. Sakusa knew what Atsumu was talking about “So, You have heard about it...”, he said with a voice that sounded neither surprised nor disappointed. It sounded as if he had expected that. “Why didn't you tell me?” Atsumu asked with a wavering voice. After a short pause, Sakusa told him the reason “That was because I hate people pitying me...” ‘Especially, if that is you' was what Sakusa continued in his mind. No words came out of Atsumu's mouth after that since he couldn't think of any right word. Suddenly, Atsumu remembered that the next day was Friday so, he asked, “Will you come to the library tomorrow?”. Sakusa kept staring at the white ceiling “No. I have my appointment with the doctor tomorrow”. ‘So, the hospital was where he has been visiting on Fridays'. “I will go with you" Atsumu said. It was not a question. Not a request either but a simple statement. Sakusa turned his head from the ceiling to look at Atsumu. He was not prepared for things to turn out like that but he knew too well that Atsumu was stubborn so, he didn't waste his breath on arguing with the blonde boy. The usual silence befell on them again and Atsumu fell asleep after some minutes. Sakusa eyed the boy sleeping soundly beside him, “Thank you for everything, Miya...” Sakusa murmured quietly with a voice only he could hear. Then, he closed his eyes as well.  
  
The next day, Atsumu followed Sakusa to the hospital. The whole day, Atsumu stayed close to Sakusa. He was there to listen to the doctor's words together with Sakusa, he was there when Sakusa went through necessary procedures, and he was there to help Sakusa whenever he needed him. All his actions were not out of kindness or pity but because he dearly loved him. Time passed and it was time for them to return home from the hospital when Sakusa’s sudden words reached Atsumu's ears “Miya, I want to go to that flower field again”. ‘The second time you call me by my name' Atsumu noted. He was wrong... because it was the third time. It was around 4 in the evening and they still had time “Then, why not" Atsumu suggested. It was a tiring day for Atsumu because he had two lecture classes in the morning and he had to run around a lot at the hospital in the afternoon. And he still had got his part time job. However, he didn't show even a tiny part of his tiredness to Sakusa when he agreed to go to the floor field with him. It was quite the opposite if you asked him because he was even excited about that. This time, the air around them was different. The sky didn't look warm and it emitted the aura of coldness with the colour of deep blue wrapping the whole scene but Sakusa still loved it. How could he not when Atsumu was there next to him. There was something that made Atsumu feel nostalgic about the different scene. The calm and clean nature of the evening, it reminded him of something familiar. It reminded him of Sakusa and Atsumu also loved it. There was no breeze, no warmth emitting from the setting sun but tranquillity. Atsumu sat down on the grass and Sakusa did the same despite his fear for germs. Atsumu opened his bag and took out his sketchbooks. He gave one to Sakusa with a pen. Sakusa knew the meaning of his actions and he took them. “What do you want me to draw?” Sakusa asked looking at Atsumu who was busy searching for another pen for himself. “Draw something you find unforgettable”. Sakusa looked around the surrounding and the whole place and the evening sunset would be unforgettable for him in his life but there was something in front of him that he would never forget. Something precious to him that he found worth capturing in his heart. Sakusa was far sighted but he didn't wear his glasses when he drew because that certain something was close enough for him to see clearly. They both sat there soundlessly and captured what they found unforgettable on their sketch books. “I have a request” Sakusa’s voice was quiet enough that only Atsumu could hear properly. “What is it?” Atsumu asked with a gentle voice and his face was solemn. Sakusa didn't stop sketching as he spoke “I know this is selfish but can you promise me not to cry when I go”. Atsumu was quiet for a moment and as he contemplated, his hands stopped what they were doing. Atsumu could not understand why Sakusa requested it but it was indeed selfish. He adjusted his non-existent voice and replied profoundly, “I promise". He looked up only to be met by the other person’s unfathomable smile. Atsumu would never know that he had just got himself into the deepest part of hell. It was starting to get dark and Sakusa had tore the paper from the book neatly before he folded it and tucked it into his pocket. Atsumu was curious to see what Sakusa had drawn but he never got the chance to see it. Sakusa looked at the sketch on Atsumu's lap. It was the scene in front of them that he drew. The evening was unforgettable for Atsumu after all.  
After that day, Atsumu visited the hospital alone because he remembered the doctor mentioning about bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, his only hope was snapped by the test result. The cells, they didn't match. He wanted to help Sakusa so badly. He wanted to do something for him except that he could not afford anything. He was disappointed and frustrated by his own helplessness. ‘Please God, how can you be so cruel to me' he could only blame the God in the end. He didn't sleep that night. He was alone busy with his laptop. He searched and searched on the internet hoping to find any solution but there was none. There was no other solution or cure at all. ‘Hopeless, aren't I?’ he had no choice but to give up. 

...........................................................................  
Two months have passed and Osamu notices changes in Atsumu's behaviour. Osamu is at Atsumu’s apartment and he has planned to stay there for a week. When they are out together, Osamu can see that Atsumu is no longer mean to people. What is more, he is polite. Osamu thinks that it's strange and he knows there is something wrong with his brother. He notices that his brother no longer wears those fake smiles or stupid smirk of his but his neutral expression. ‘What happened to him?’ Osamu may not seem like it but he is worried. From time to time, he sees Atsumu contemplating silently about who knows what sitting at the dining table. It is not a usual sight for Osamu because he knows no one can be louder than his brother. Not only his behaviour, Osamu can see Atsumu life style has also changed. Before, Atsumu would never wake up at 7:00 unless it's 10:00 AM. Before, Atsumu would never clean his room but now, he is doing it everyday. Before, Atsumu never studied properly but he does now. As Osamu observes his brother, he comes to notice that Atsumu is no longer reckless and he does everything with great care and seriousness. Atsumu has become a decent person. ‘What the hell did he go through in my absence to become like this?’ Osamu has a bad feeling about his brother's sudden change.  
It is Tuesday and around 11:40 at night. Osamu is cleaning the kitchen after the dinner and Atsumu is studying in the living room. Actually, Atsumu's focus is not on studying but on his phone. He has texted Sakusa several minutes ago asking his opinion for an art piece he has created for a competition. He has been keeping his promise of not disturbing the other person with casual chats or calls so far... . And Sakusa always replies his texts within two to four minutes whenever Atsumu texts him but this time is different. ‘Maybe he is sleeping by now?’. But his instincts keep telling him that Sakusa is not asleep. Atsumu doesn't like the feeling and worries raise up in his chest. He stands up from where he is sitting abruptly, takes his jacket from his room and rushes out of the apartment saying “Samu, I am going out. I might not come back tonight”. Osamu hasn't replied yet but Atsumu is already long gone. Osamu sighs. Of course, Atsumu goes straight to Sakusa's house. He presses the bell but no one answers so, he thinks about opening the door hoping it to be unlocked. ‘Like Sakusa-san would keep his door unlocked at night’ was what he thought as he reaches out his hand towards the door’s knob. To his surprise, it is not locked. Atsumu is confused. He can not think of any reason why Sakusa would do this. After all, Sakusa is a very organized person. Nevertheless, he goes into his house. He looks around the house and he is shocked by the sight he sees. Sakusa is on the floor leaning on the leg of his kitchen table and he is sweating a lot. This time, Atsumu doesn't waste any time fretting but rushes to Sakusa's side. The other person is barely conscious and breathing heavily. Atsumu puts one of his hands on Sakusa's shoulders and the other under his knees. Then, he carries Sakusa’s skinny body into his bedroom and lays him down gently on the bed. He searches a towel from the closet. After he has found one, he takes off Sakusa's shirt which is soaked in sweat. And he starts wiping off the sweat from his face, neck and body carefully. After he has finished, he takes out a new shirt from the wardrobe and puts it on Sakusa's bare body which is too pale that purple veins are showing distinctly. Everything is done quickly and when he is finished, Atsumu heaves a long sigh. He observes the man lying on the bed ignoring his aching heart. ‘Why does it have to be you...’, a question asked in his heart painfully. Atsumu doesn't sit down on the bed. He doesn't sit down on the chair near the bed either. He just stands near the door until Sakusa gains his consciousness after 40 minutes. When Sakusa opens his eyes, he is greeted by a familiar voice. “How are you feeling? Do you need something?” Atsumu's eyes lit up as he asks. Sakusa is still processing on what has happened and when he gets the full picture of the situation, he answers “I am still feeling fatigued”. He looks down at the shirt, he is wearing, which is not the one he put on that evening. “How long have you been here?” Sakusa looks up at Atsumu from the bed. “Maybe an hour. I guess" Atsumu smiles as he scratches his neck. Sakusa can see Atsumu's tiredness in his eyes and he does not feel right about that. “You haven't slept yet” Sakusa stares into Atsumu's eyes. Sakusa appreciates that Atsumu is helping him when he is having a hard time but whenever he sees Atsumu looking tired, he feels guilty. He doesn't like it when the other person only gives attention to him and not to his own health. He doesn't like it at all. For Sakusa, just the thought of becoming a burden to someone irritates him. He doesn't want that, not in the slightest bit. There is something about Sakusa’s stare that makes Atsumu feel uneasy and he has a vague idea what the other person is thinking at the moment but Atsumu doesn't want to dwell on that. He brushes it off saying, “Like I would spend my time on sleeping when you are in front of me”. Sakusa's gaze falls onto his own pale hands again “How can you joke around at a time like this?”. Atsumu doesn't say anything but only he knows that he wasn't joking when he said that. Sakusa doesn't want to ask this but his voice is shaking when he does “Why are you doing this for me? Why do you keep helping me?”. Atsumu comes closer to the bed, his eyes on the man in front of him who is 9 years older than him. He puts his hands on the man's shoulders and hide his head on the person's collarbone. His voice is too quiet and there is sadness in his tone as he says forlornly, “It's because you are too precious to me. It's all because I love you...”. Sakusa's heart aches at Atsumu's words. He couldn't help it. His heart is on verge of breaking. Because he does feel the same way. “You know too well that the closer you get to someone, the sadder you will feel when they leave. You know too well and yet you...” Sakusa doesn't want to continue anymore. “I don't care about how I would feel when you are gone. I don't care if I suffer. When the time comes, there would be nothing I can do but to bear with it. But now is different. Now, you are still here. You are still here with me. That is all that matters to me. So, I will give you everything while I still can. Let me be by your side while you are still here. Let's go through this together...” Atsumu whispered the last sentence with his trembling voice. Sakusa could not hold back anymore and he embraces Atsumu who is still holding him “I am sorry. I am sorry, Miya”. Atsumu doesn't know what is the true meaning of Sakusa's apology and he never will. ‘I am sorry that I am so selfish. I am sorry that I lied to you. I am sorry that I allowed you to come into my life. I am sorry I never let you know that I love you’ Sakusa sobs in his heart quietly. After a few minutes, Sakusa lets Atsumu go and tells him to sleep. As he expected, Atsumu doesn't listen to him. Sakusa gets out of the bed and heads to his kitchen. “Let me do it. Just say it” Atsumu stops him when he tries to heat some water. “Two cups of milk tea" Sakusa told him and Atsumu proceeds. It's 2:00 AM and they are sitting on the sofa in the living room drinking milk tea. Sakusa looks at his phone and when he sees the text he says, “So, you are displaying your work at the art gallery next Saturday”. Atsumu answers “Yes, the competition goes with voting system so, they need to be displayed in public”. Sakusa observes Atsumu's artwork which happens to be a painting of the evening they shared together not long ago. It is a fine painting. Sakusa can see that Atsumu put his heart while creating it. “It's unique” Sakusa comments. Atsumu smiles “I am glad you think so". Then, Atsumu invites Sakusa to visit the art gallery with him. Sakusa agrees. 

It is Saturday evening and Atsumu is at the hospital with a blank expression but Sakusa is not with him. His brother is there beside him and talking to him but not a single word reaches into his head.  
  
It all happened while they were visiting the art gallery. Atsumu had pestered his brother to come with him and so, Osamu was there following behind his brother at the art gallery. But Osamu didn't stick with his brother for long. He roamed by himself in the art gallery. He didn't know where Atsumu and Sakusa left off to but he got bored after walking in there for about 1 hour so, he decided to buy himself a cup of coffee. He walked to a nearby coffee shop which happened to be near a small book shop and he could see his brother and the professor chatting in that shop from where he was sitting.  
  
After they had visited the art gallery, Sakusa and Atsumu decided to take a short stroll around the area. They saw a bookshop and since Sakusa was interested, Atsumu followed him into the shop. Sakusa was flipping the books and examining the contents when Atsumu said something stupid looking at a really thick book “How can a person write this much. I am pretty sure all the words I have written in my whole life cannot surpass this book”. ‘Idiot’ Sakusa remarked. “That is a dictionary” Sakusa said with an annoyed tone. The second time Atsumu embarrassed himself in front of Sakusa. He chuckled a little “I didn't know that". Sakusa didn't find any book that could catch his attention so, they decided to leave the shop. They were standing on the pavement at the shop’s entrance when suddenly, Sakusa shoved Atsumu away. Atsumu had no idea what just happened but all he knew was everything blacked out for a moment. When he got back into his senses, he was lying on the road. It was a car accident and one of the cars slipped onto the pavement after it had crushed into a bus. There were some blood on Atsumu's head and he couldn't move his leg. Then, he looked around and saw Sakusa lying on the road as well but a little further from him. He could see a pool of blood surrounding Sakusa. He was so shocked at the sight and he could not care about his leg anymore. The pain he felt was nothing compared to his fear. He approached to where Sakusa was lying as fast as he could. He lifted his body and rested it on his arms. Osamu also rushed towards them. “Samu, call the ambulance. Quick!” he pleaded his brother and Osamu did as he was told. Atsumu shook Sakusa who was barely breathing and Sakusa opened his eyes. His face all soaked in blood. As he looked at Sakusa, Atsumu felt a knot forming in his throat. His heart was throbbing so fast because of the fear he felt at that moment. “Sakusa-san, please look at me. Don't close your eyes. Please hung on. The ambulance is coming” Atsumu's voice quivered as he tried to reassure the person in his hands. Sakusa gazed up at Atsumu whose heart was on verge of breaking at any moment. Atsumu was in despair “Do not close your eyes. Please.... please Sakusa-san” he pleaded and his words started to stutter. Sakusa could not bear to see Atsumu like that “It's fine. I am already a lost cause. The moments I shared with you are more than enough for me. I am content.” Sakusa said slowly, trying his best to pronounce each word clearly and letting them reach to Atsumu's ears. Atsumu clutched Sakusa's clothes tighter and brought his head closer to Sakusa's head “No, don't please don't do this to me...you are supposed to be with me for another five years. I haven't prepared myself yet... I am still not ready... please hung on” he said although he knew that Sakusa could no longer hung on and that it was going to be the goodbye for the two of them. He wanted to cry but he kept his promise. He tried to calm himself down. He didn't have much time left. There were so many things he wanted to say but his last words to Sakusa were “I am glad that I met you. You give life to my days and I love you” Atsumu whispered gently as he hugged the other person's head in his chest like he could never let go. Then, he heard Sakusa said “The bet... you win...". Atsumu could feel his heart breaking in his chest upon hearing the words. But there was no time to waste and Atsumu quickly looked at Sakusa with wide eyes. He found Sakusa smiling at him genuinely and as warmly as he could for the first time. Then, his eyes closed never to be opened again. Those were Sakusa's last words... and Atsumu could no longer feel Sakusa's heartbeat but he could not let go of him either. He sunk his head onto Sakusa's shoulder as he hugged the body tight. He couldn't bring himself to let go of him. He couldn't. After all, he knew too well that it was the last time for him to embrace Sakusa like that. It was the last moment for the student and the professor, the last moment for the cashier and the customer and the last moment for Miya Atsumu and Sakusa Kiyoomi. Every word they had said and fun they had together that day were long gone. All left was sorrow. Atsumu knew that the other person was not listening to him anymore but he mumble like a person who had lost his mind as he laughed “Why... why... please come back to me. You can't just leave me like this. You can't. I miss you even when you are in front of me. What am I going to do tomorrow without you. Please come back. Embrace me again like you did before...”. There was no emotion in his voice. Everything he could feel was anguish and sadness. Everything was suffocating and cold at that moment. He felt like he was left in the darkness by himself, alone. He held back his tears and there was a faint smile on his face mixed with sadness. He smiled like he had given up on everything. But it stopped after a few seconds. Now, all on his face were anguish, and helplessness. Osamu on the other hand, after seeing his brother in despair for minutes, could not bear to watch the scene even for another second. He walked towards him “Tsumu, let go of him" he said gently. “Samu, please tell me this is not real” Atsumu’s body was shaking and his head was still bleeding. What he just experienced was an inconsolable pain. It was an excruciating pain. It was so painful for his heart to bear. It truly was. After some time, Atsumu, himself, could not bear the affliction and misery of his own fate that he passed out on the spot. His heart had fallen apart.  


Atsumu woke up after 2 hours and he had injured his leg but it is nothing serious. He doesn't move as he sits on the hospital bed. His mind is blank and he stares at nothing into the distance. The last words of Sakusa keep replaying in his mind. “Tsumu, Tsumu" Osamu calls his name but there is no response. He looks at his brother with a mild expression and he sits down in front of him. He cups his brother's hands with his own. Atsumu reacts at the touch and he looks down at his brother who is sitting in front of him. “Tsumu, you have to stay strong”. That is all Osamu has to say to his brother he has known for his whole life.  


Days passed and it is the day of Sakusa's funeral. Atsumu stands at the back of the crowd and is all dressed in black. Two distinct dark circles can be seen under his eyes. He is there but he doesn't see people crying. He is there but he doesn't hear any voice or word. When the funeral is over, people start to scatter leaving the grave alone with Atsumu. Atsumu is still standing at the same spot he has been standing the whole time and he hasn't move an inch. Only when everyone has gone, he moves. He walks step by step until he is close enough to the gravestone. He has brought a bottle of disinfectant and sprays it on the stone. Then, he organizes different flowers in a certain order that Sakusa liked. When he is done with cleaning, he lies down beside the grave “I miss you”. He stayed there that way for a couple of hours before he returned to his apartment where Osamu is waiting for him. He is still in his mourning clothes when he sits on the couch in his living room. Osamu is also sitting beside him. “He had five years before he met me. If he had never met me, he would still be alive” Atsumu's voice is low and calm. “Don't say that. He saved you and you need to treasure the life he had given you” Osamu told his brother warmly. “Yes, he had given his life to me. You know... Samu, when I started university, he was the person who gave life to my days. He was the reason why I woke up. And I woke up every morning hoping to see him. I went to the university with the hope of sharing some words with him. I worked at the supermarket hoping if he would show up. I had never missed a single lecture of his because I loved hearing his voice. I loved him. I still love him. I loved watching him lecture. I loved his accompany every time I read at the library. I loved those small conversations we shared at the supermarket. I loved the calm and clean aura of his. I loved how he liked cleanliness and how well organized he was. I loved everything about him. I still love everything about him. And now...now, he is no longer here with me. I miss his smile. I miss the times when we walked together. I miss the way he looked at me when I say something stupid... I miss him”. Osamu listens quietly to his brother who is mumbling. Osamu can feel his sorrow seeping from his words and he feels sad at the sight of his brother suffering. “Come here" Osamu reaches out his hand and lets Atsumu lean on his shoulder. He hugs his brother. That is the only thing he can afford to give his brother after all. Atsumu's head rests on his brother's collarbone and Osamu Pats his head softly.  


The next day, he goes to the university but everything reminds him of Sakusa. The stage in the lecture hall where Sakusa used to stand, the canteen where he met him for the first time, the bench near the oak tree they sat together, and the library where they shared most of their time together. Atsumu walks into the library and he stops at the top of the stairs just to stare at the corner of their little table. Part of him still hopes to see Sakusa there but he is not there and he never will be. It is different without Sakusa. The atmosphere feels unusually cold without him but Atsumu has no intention of leaving. He has already decided to continue with his usual routine that he has built in the last two months. He will keep doing it until he graduates.  


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Four years flew by and Atsumu is saying goodbye to the places he became acquainted with during those years. But the library is the last place he goes. He looks at the corner of the familiar table by the large window one last time ‘Today will be the last day I come here but I won't forget the memories I built with you here’. He leaves without looking back again. After that, he goes to Sakusa's grave and cleans it. He got used to it after four years of cleaning. “You know, after all those years, you still occupy my heart.” he says like he did within those years he had visited. Atsumu still goes to the flower field. He still has Sakusa's portrait hang on the wall of his bedroom. He still has Sakusa’s number in his phone and he still has the history of their texts and calls. He intends to save them for the rest of his life. When he arrives his apartment, he sees a package at his front door so he takes it and goes inside. He is curious about it so, he opens it immediately. Inside are a letter and a portrait. He looks at the portrait first. It is a portrait of him sketching in a flower field. His heart starts to ache because he now knows the sender and the words they shared at the flower field replay in his heart. He sits down before opening the letter and takes a deep breath. When he feels that he is ready, he opens it with great care. The letter smells like Sakusa's usual cologne. There are only a few sentences written on it but they shatter Atsumu's heart into pieces. What was written on the letter is...  
  
Thank you, Miya. You gave life to my dying days.  
Thank you for existing in my life.  
I am glad that fate had brought us together.  
"I love you."  
Sincerely,  
Sakusa Kiyoomi  
  
Now, Atsumu's dam of tears breaks. He couldn't care about the promise he gave to Sakusa... Not anymore... Tears roll down from his eyes slowly and he sobs quietly holding the letter in his chest.  
  
“Me too...”

**Author's Note:**

> Why is this so sad. I am regretting that I wrote this. Somebody, please kill me. Oh God, what did I do...  
> Thank you very much if you have came this far. I love them so much that I had spent 5 days on this fic and this is my first time writing a fan fic this long. I am so sorry Atsumu I break your heart. You would not believe this but my heart literally stopped when I was writing the last part (I cried). I am so sorry if I made you sad but thank you for giving your precious time to read this. And thank you for giving me a chance. I do appreciate it. If you have something to say about this fic, comments are welcomed (Criticisms too). I will be sure to read and reply. Now, if you are ready to curse this author-kun, please do. Have a nice day!  
> I edited some of the words in the last part btw.  
> There were a lot of mistakes when I first posted this because I didn't reread and I feel really bad about it. But I am truly thankful to all of the people who finished the whole fic ignoring the errors and my abrupt writing style.  
> You can find me on Instagram if you want to yell at me, the user name is yadanarwind.


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